Solar Eclipse: Poem – My Heart

You cannot trick the universe – unknown

Anger, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, love, confusion, fear, misunderstanding, judgement

Where I am weak she is strong

Where I am stubborn she is open minded

Where I am judgmental she is accepting

Where I am un-loyal she is faithful

Where I break my word she is steadfast

Where I try to know all, she accepts that of which is all

Where I am a blabbermouth, she holds her tongue

Where I am a coward, she is brave

Where I speak about others, she focuses on herself and me

Where I think I know it all, she gently shows me that I do not

Where my heart is aching, she is the one who can heal it

Where my mind is racing, she is the one who can still it

Where my fire is burning, she is the one who can guide it

While I seek perfection, she knows what it is

Where I lack experience and maturity, she is wise beyond her ears

While I speak, she listens

While she speaks, I am too concerned with saying the next thing

While she seeks happiness and contentment, I am too busy trying to be perfect and right

My heart aches as I write this,

A fool I have been

Not to see the love,

To be blind to what the universe has given me

Age 27, the prophecy says

She is my diamond,

Diamonds are built under pressure

What am I but another asshole, a weak man

I do not seek pity, I only want to improve myself

Never can I allow myself to be comfortable

Not while my people suffer

To be honest, as much as I may appear comfortable

That is only on the surface

On the inside I have scares

On the inside I have fears and doubts

She asks me to speak the truth

But I am afraid

She asks me to be honest

But I am afraid

She asks me my opinions

But I am afraid

Of what value can I be,

If I am too afraid of myself to be myself

She reminds me not of the girl whom I once knew

But of the elder sister, whom I hide from

Hiding from the shadows of my inner-workings

Hiding from the fire that burns within

Hiding from the fear of failure

Hiding form her, in plane sight

The first thing I remember her saying is,

“I just thought I would be brave and knock on your door, I heard the music”

The first thing I did out of fear and distrust was to,

Hide my current actions and make up a lame excuse.

The way a relationship starts is how it ends

I want ours to be in truth.

Truthfully, yes I thought you were a mess,

How could you be addicted to cigarettes

Another damaged girl who has been raped

Must mean that I have to deal with her rage

Another girl who thinks im so great

When my own self I don’t appreciate

You pay so much attention to what I say,

I barely even reciprocate

I must act now before it is too late,

Heaven/the universe/makes no mistakes

No expectations, no judgment, no fear

I need you in my life, this is crystal clear

If im in my head shake me

If Im being a coward push me

Please I need your help, I cannot do this by myself

As much as I act like I want to be alone

As much as I enjoy those moments alone

I enjoy the touch of your sweaty hands much more

Well actually the cold hands I could do without

But I am in no way perfect myself

Here I go justifying and comparing again

This is something I struggle with          

I will not pretend

To accept who I am to accept who we are

I should know I am already a superstar

With one of the most beautiful girls in the world.

I ran away from you,

Just like I runaway from myself.

I will make mistakes again,

I am not perfect

I need to learn that this is ok

I need to learn that we are ok

I need to learn that everything will be ok

On the other side of fear is my true destiny

And I know that there is no coincidence

That you and I experience such similar lives

And yet we are different

I have searched for a soul mate

All these terms and definitions

Instead of just allowing what happens to happen

I have so much to learn and I cannot do this alone

I want to be better,

I may not talk for hours on the phone

But I want to be present to give you the love that you need and deserve

Because you would give this to me I know this for sure

You have shown me in the short tme that we have known each other

Your character and integrity,

you are so special.

You are so beautiful to me – Alfalfa