tricking the universe

Originally written on March 2020.

WE CANNOT TRICK THE UNIVERSE

ANGER, DISAPPOINTMENT, SHAME, EMBARRASSMENT, LOVE, CONFUSION, FEAR, MISUNDERSTANDING, JUDGEMENT

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WHERE I AM WEAK SHE IS STRONG WHERE I AM STUBBORN SHE IS OPEN MINDED

WHERE I AM JUDGMENTAL SHE IS ACCEPTING WHERE I AM UN-LOYAL SHE IS FAITHFUL

WHERE I BREAK MY WORD SHE IS STEADFAST

WHERE I TRY TO KNOW ALL, SHE ACCEPTS THAT OF WHICH IS THE ALL

WHERE I AM A BLABBERMOUTH, SHE HOLDS HER TONGUE

WHERE I AM A COWARD, SHE IS BRAVE

WHERE I SPEAK ABOUT OTHERS, SHE FOCUSES ON HERSELF AND ME

WHERE I THINK I KNOW IT ALL, SHE GENTLY SHOWS ME THAT I DO NOT

WHERE MY HEART IS ACHING, SHE IS THE ONE WHO CAN HEAL IT

WHERE MY MIND IS RACING, SHE IS THE ONE WHO CAN STILL IT

WHERE MY FIRE IS BURNING, SHE IS THE ONE WHO CAN GUIDE IT

WHILE I SEEK PERFECTION, SHE KNOWS WHAT IT IS

WHERE I LACK EXPERIENCE AND MATURITY, SHE IS WISE BEYOND HER EARS

WHILE I SPEAK, SHE LISTENS WHILE SHE SPEAKS, I AM TOO CONCERNED WITH SAYING THE NEXT THING

WHILE SHE SEEKS HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT, I AM TOO BUSY TRYING TO BE PERFECT AND RIGHT

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MY HEART ACHES AS I WRITE THIS, A FOOL I HAVE BEEN NOT TO SEE THE LOVE, TO BE BLIND TO WHAT THE UNIVERSE HAS GIVEN ME AGE 27, THE PROPHECY SAYS SHE IS MY DIAMOND, DIAMONDS ARE BUILT UNDER PRESSURE WHAT AM I BUT ANOTHER ASSHOLE, A WEAK MAN I DO NOT SEEK PITY.

I ONLY WANT TO IMPROVE MYSELF NEVER CAN I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE COMFORTABLE NOT WHILE MY PEOPLE SUFFER TO BE HONEST, AS MUCH AS I MAY APPEAR COMFORTABLE THAT IS ONLY ON THE SURFACE ON THE INSIDE I HAVE SCARS ON THE INSIDE I HAVE FEARS AND DOUBTS SHE ASKS ME TO SPEAK THE TRUTH I AM AFRAID SHE ASKS ME TO BE HONEST I AM AFRAID SHE ASKS ME MY OPINIONS I AM AFRAID OF WHAT VALUE CAN I BE

IF I AM TOO AFRAID OF MYSELF TO BE MYSELF SHE REMINDS ME NOT OF THE GIRL WHOM I ONCE KNEW BUT OF THE ELDER SISTER, WHOM I HIDE FROM HIDING FROM THE SHADOWS OF MY INNER-WORKINGS HIDING FROM THE FIRE THAT BURNS WITHIN HIDING FROM THE FEAR OF FAILURE HIDING FROM HER, IN PLANE SIGHT THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER HER SAYING IS, “I JUST THOUGHT I WOULD BE BRAVE AND KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR, I HEARD THE MUSIC”

THE FIRST THING I DID OUT OF FEAR AND DISTRUST WAS TO, HIDE MY CURRENT ACTIONS AND MAKE UP A LAME EXCUSE.

THE WAY A RELATIONSHIP STARTS IS HOW IT ENDS I WANT OURS TO BE IN TRUTH.

TRUTHFULLY, YES I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MESS, HOW COULD YOU BE ADDICTED TO CIGARETTES ANOTHER DAMAGED GIRL WHO HAS BEEN RAPED MUST MEAN THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER RAGE ANOTHER GIRL WHO THINKS IM SO GREAT WHEN MY OWN SELF I DON’T APPRECIATE

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YOU PAY SO MUCH ATTENTION TO WHAT I SAY, I BARELY EVEN RECIPROCATE I MUST ACT NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

HEAVEN/THE UNIVERSE/MAKES NO MISTAKES NO EXPECTATIONS, NO JUDGMENT, NO FEAR I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE

THIS IS CRYSTAL CLEAR IF IM IN MY HEAD

SHAKE ME IF IM BEING A COWARD PUSH ME PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP, I CANNOT DO THIS BY MYSELF AS MUCH AS I ACT LIKE I WANT TO BE ALONE AS MUCH AS I ENJOY THOSE MOMENTS ALONE I ENJOY THE TOUCH OF YOUR SWEATY HANDS MUCH MORE WELL ACTUALLY THE COLD HANDS I COULD DO WITHOUT BUT I AM IN NO WAY PERFECT MYSELF HERE I GO JUSTIFYING AND COMPARING AGAIN THIS IS SOMETHING I STRUGGLE WITH         

  I WILL NOT PRETEND TO ACCEPT WHO I AM TO ACCEPT WHO WE ARE I SHOULD KNOW I AM ALREADY A SUPERSTAR WITH ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN THE WORLD.

I RAN AWAY FROM YOU, JUST LIKE I RUNAWAY FROM MYSELF.

I WILL MAKE MISTAKES AGAIN, I AM NOT PERFECT I NEED TO LEARN THAT THIS IS OK I NEED TO LEARN THAT WE ARE OK I NEED TO LEARN THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR IS MY TRUE DESTINY AND I KNOW THAT THERE IS NO COINCIDENCE THAT YOU AND I EXPERIENCE SUCH SIMILAR LIVES AND YET WE ARE DIFFERENT

I HAVE SEARCHED FOR A SOUL MATE ALL THESE TERMS AND DEFINITIONS INSTEAD OF JUST ALLOWING WHAT HAPPENS TO HAPPEN I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN AND I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE I WANT TO BE BETTER

I MAY NOT TALK FOR HOURS ON THE PHONE BUT I WANT TO BE PRESENT TO GIVE YOU THE LOVE THAT YOU NEED AND DESERVE BECAUSE YOU WOULD GIVE THIS TO ME I KNOW THIS FOR SURE YOU HAVE SHOWN ME IN THE SHORT TME THAT WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER YOUR CHARACTER AND INTEGRITY, YOU ARE SO SPECIAL.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME, CAN’T YOU SEE – ALFALFA

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